To Melbourne for a dirty weekend!

What you want more than than that? Forget it, see you next week.

Getting There

First: A big thank you and welcome to those who are reading, and for the comments.

Pleased to report that progress on the resolution front has been made.

The boss has given me a payrise!!!!!! Yay!!!!!! Not heaps, but more than I expected (I didn't put a figure on the request), and certainly a step in the right direction.

I have said NO, at least once this week, though from memory I ended up caving anyway. I have however, warned The Brat that NO is a word he should expect to hear more frequently.

Number 4 is on hold this week, as my underwear budget was instead spent on a new printer, which I can't get working, and 2 new fans, one of which doesn't work. Excellent, I hate shopping, and now I have to head back to the shops to a) get some tech support for my printer - I know what's wrong with it, I just can't fix it, maybe The Brat can help when he gets home in about half an hour - and b) to return the not working fan.

Number 5, what can I say. I had hoped to head to Melbourne next weekend for my man's birthday, unfortunately in the continued absence of a lotto win, the budget just couldn't stretch that far. Maybe if I hadn't bought new underwear over the last month or so, I mean it's not like I'll need it in Melbourne anyway right????? On the plus side Christmas is getting closer by the minute (Dear God did I just say plus side and Christmas in the same sentence?), and the Lover will be here for a week or so immediately following.

Number 6 - I actually used that argument in my request for a payrise. There are 2 of us in our little workplace, and both of us make mistakes, the difference being I can't issue consequences for his mistakes, while he can for mine. Unfortunately my mistakes tend to cause more consequences for the business, because I usually find his and fix them before any damage can be done. I pointed that out as well. Gently! Not sure why it worked, but I was quite proud of my achiement, as I have never held a job where some sort of annual remuneration increase was not automatic, even if it's just CPI.

Anywho, a little more positive this week, and determined to keep at it. The smokes are still my constant companion, I've stopped stressing about that, as it really doesn't help. I WILL get there, sooner rather than later I believe, and I am not beating myself up over this setback as I refuse to consider it a failure.

Working on it!

So, after my little self-pity party last week, I have decided that it wasn't actually helpful. I'm the only one who can sort this crap out and to that end I have (for the 1st time ever) made a couple of (early) new years resolutions.

1. I will try to maintain my sense of humour. It can be a little bit weird, but deal with it!

2. I will increase my income, so that I can do a few things just for me. (I have approached the boss for a payrise already, if he doesn't come through I will start applying for new jobs).

3. I will learn to say no, even to my son, and especially my brother.

4. I will buy more pretty undies.

5. I will have more sex (See 2 and 4 above)

6. I will stop expecting perfection from myself, realise and accept that we all make mistakes, without abrogating responsibility for those mistakes.

Any suggestions?

I hate my life

One of the reasons I started this blog was to be able to vent, and somehow reduce the stress in my life by having someone, or maybe even no-one, to anonymously lay my soul bare to.

So far I don't think it's working. My life is a mess, and I don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have already mentioned that I'm a single Mum, have been since my child's Father said "abort or hit the road". I hit the road. I adore my son, and for nearly 19 years he has been my life. I don't have a problem with that. But now that he's 18, and settled into his apprenticeship, and becoming more independant almost daily, I'm ready to live my own life. Only it's not happening, and I'm unbelievably stressed. I'm broke, I've been 3/4 supporting my bi-polar brother for several years, my boss won't give me a payrise because I'm making mistakes, mostly little ones, but some really big ones as well, I'm in love with a man who lives a long way away, and I don't know who to talk to.

I don't think that what I want is unreasonable. A decent income, someone to hold me when I need it, a job I enjoy, and a healthy child. I want to be able to pay all of the bills on time, without having to work out which one I need to pay first in order to avoid disconnection, (phone, internet, electricity). I want the ability to just do something for me, to book a plane ticket, to get away for a weekend, to even buy myself some pretty underwear without feeling guilty. I want to not be living with my brother for the rest of my life, he exhausts me. I want to quit smoking. I want to have a little bit of fun.

I know that there are others so much less fortunate than me. Know what? I don't care! That doesn't help, just adds the stress of knowing I am unbelievably selfish and ungrateful. And I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate a lot of things about myself and my life, and I hate that I feel all this hate. And I don't know what to do.

ABBA Lives......... and Cookie Dough Rocks!

Had a great weekend.

Started with The Brat taking me out for dinner...... okay, his motives were less than altruistic, he wanted a real meal, but couldn't be bothered cooking it on his one day off this week (from cooking - who could blame the poor kid), but he knows that the last thing Mummy wants to do on Friday night is come home from work and cook a meal, especially when the 2 males in the household (The Brat and his uncle) have been home all day. Okay don't blame The Brat for not wanting to cook on his day off, and The Uncle starts work at around 10 on Friday night and works through to the wee hours of the morning,.... but I personally don't think he actually NEEDS to stay in bed ALL day, especially given he only works Friday and Saturday nights! But I digress!

We went off to the local Yankee style steak and BBQ chain, where they still give you peanuts, (but now ask you to please refrain from chucking the shells on the floor), but have inexplicably done away with the impromptu staff line dancing. We chatted and laughed, with The Brat sheepishly admitting that because it was Friday and he HATES doing nothing on a Friday night, I was the best alternative to a night on the couch. Yes I may have come 4th on the list (after Drinking - his mates were all working; basketball - he couldn't get in touch with his mate to see if thay needed an extra player and what time; something else; then dinner with Mum), and it may have been a list containing only 4 options, but hey at least I made the list! Nanna and Pop didn't get a look in. Best of all? His shout!

Saturday started off pretty badly, woke at just after 8, to hear The Brat getting ready for work, and realised that, if not quite a migraine, had a stinker of a headache. Have several times in the past thought I could nip these nasties in the bud with copious amounts of pain relief washed down with buckets of strong black caffeine. It took me a while 'cos I'm a slow learner, but after a couple of these "just suck it up and get on with it" remedies went horribly wrong, resulting in total waste of painkillers and caffeine (sacrilege), I have learnt to down the necessary drugs with the smallest amount of water, and go back to bed until the pain subsides, with probably one more dose of the drugs to get me through.

Now I don't normally mind having a migraine on Saturday, I mean obviously I'd prefer not to have them at all, but at least I'm not missing out on paid work, and it gets me out of the housework quite nicely thank you very much! Of course the downside of that is that if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Damn those housework fairies! But yesterday was bad timing. I actually had plans for last night that didn't involve sitting in the recliner watching The Bill. A friend had purchased tickets to ABBA Rebjorn at the local RSL, and as she had already paid up, I felt obliged to go, and anyway I wanted to. YES I AM an ABBA fan! Anyway, sleep and drugs saw me somewhat alive at 3, and my belated morning coffee had me nearly human by 4, so decided that a quick shower and I'm ready to roll. And I was! And it was a great night! Not late, but a couple of hours in a room where only one other person knows you, and my lousy sense of rythm, and evil singing voice didn't matter. Sang at the top of my lungs, and danced like there was no tomorrow.

Today was set aside for work on the assignment. Thank you Mr JB for your succinct yet motivating post on Friday's Writing Blog. Reminded me that I now have 6 weeks work to do in about 3 and a half! Now I could have put it off again, and instead done the housework I didn't do yesterday, but if there's one thing I dislike more than wading through legislative documents full of jargon and gobbledygook (telling you basically in 73 pages or more, that you have to inform your clients of the whys and wherefores in easy to understand, plain language - digressing again), it's housework! And there's no deadline on the housework! No brainer really!

Except it made my brain hurt - not like yesterday, that physical, horrendous, I'm gunna throw up type pain is infinitely preferable.... and that's where the cookie dough comes in. A couple of weeks ago in a fit of madness, I chucked a couple of Aunty Kath's cookie dough rolls into the shopping basket. Madness, because we don't currently have a working oven! Nonetheless the cookie dough was not wasted. At the height of my pain I decided to go all "Gilmore Girls" and try some cookie dough to ease the brain conniptions. What a wonderful calmative, and you can still drive after imbibing. One of American womanhood's more attractive traditions I think, and one I shall henceforth embrace with fervour.

Throw in an interesting conversation with LDL, who is promising to surprise me sometime soon (I have informed him in no uncertain terms that if he calls me from the airport to tell me he has arrived in Brisvegas, I shall let him know that he should make himself comfortable until I have had time to clean the house, change the sheets, and de-fuzz the extremities), and that's it.

Plenty of rest, some singing and dancing (with only ONE alcoholic beverage) and the company of a good friend, an interesting conversation with the man, and some quality time with the occasionally delightful offspring. What more could a girl want? (Apart from Cookie Dough)!

Now me and my cookie dough are off to watch The Bill. Yes OF COURSE I recorded it. DUH!

Oh nearly forgot, started taking the chemical assistance required to aid in my QUIT campaign last weekend. So far so good, have almost halved my Nicotine intake without really trying or noticing. All I need to do now is allocate the actual QUIT day. Thinking it will be sometime this week. Another bloody deadline.

Life? What Life?

Have just been talking on the phone to the lover. Just because I'm lazy, for future reference he is now LDL.

Now LDL is not into technology. He doesn't have a computer, (it's only good for german porn apparently, though why the hell you'd need to go all the way to Germany for porn is beyond me). He loves being out and about, camping (but not fishing) riding motorcycles, and wrangling snakes for fun. LDL wouldn't have a mobile if it wasn't necessary for, (and paid for by) his job. He hates talking on the phone, but over a number of months he has gradually started to relax, and we actually had a good 40 minute chat tonight. (Have been considering introducing the joys of phone sex, but my previous experience with that has been that as foreplay, it's a great entree, but has usually ended up with one or the other jumping in the car to get to the main course. So maybe not a great idea). He reads, and has an extensive knowledge and somewhat eclectic taste in music. He is awesome in bed. He will deny it 'til he's blue in the face, but LDL is an intelligent man.

Then there's me. I'm addicted to my computer, and now that I've discovered blogging it's getting worse. I love to read, I'm a great cook and a lousy housekeeper, but don't get any complaints in bed. I'm either lazy or boring, probably a bit of both (except in bed). I have never been camping in my life, motorbikes scare the shit out of me (partly because when we were young lovers living only minutes apart, LDL was involved in a nasty car vs motorcycle and was badly injured), and snakes? Forget it. I can take music or leave it, but if I'm in a cleaning mood (lol) I will crank up the ipod and dance around while I get it done. It's quicker even though it takes longer! My ipod play list by the way consists of the soundtrack to Grease, Abba Gold and some Elton John. See I'm not even adventurous with music let alone life. I am an intelligent woman.

So how is this going to work? Somehow I have agreed to go camping over Christmas if we can co-ordinate our time off. (I have a sneaking suspicion I may have been invited because he knew I'd say no - I may have been tipsy when I agreed). It may involve snakes, spiders and other creepy crawlies (but YAY no fishing). I am also suspicious that on his next trip north (SOON Please God) he is arranging to borrow a Harley to take me for a ride. He kind of challenged me a while ago, said that if he turned up on a Harley there is no way I would say no. I disagreed. But now? I think I'd say yes!

Is there such a thing as pre - empty nest syndrome? It just seems to me that the day after the brat turned 18, I got lighter. Not physically (unfortunately!), but mentally or emotionally, or both. I figured that it's my turn to have a life. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no regrets about putting my life on hold. I would have loved to marry and have more kids, maybe advance my career to the point that I'd at least be earning decent coin. But I made a conscious decision that as his only involved parent, I needed to be sure that I could give the Brat the best I had to offer, not materially but in other ways. It paid off as far as I'm concerned.

Forgive the rambling, what I'm trying to work out is this. Is the fact that I am considering adventures that only a couple of years ago I would have dismissed as unacceptably risky at my age, a symptom of my need to experience life? Or am I dismissing perfectly reasonable fears just to please a man I desperately want to spend more time with? I Hope it's the former, I Worry it's the latter. Am I overthinking this? Do I need to just learn to relax and go where life takes me? After so many years of putting so many others before myself, am I even capable of that?

Thoughts anyone?

I soooo love not being limited to 300 words!

So Here I Am

Don't say I didn't warn you!

First, thanks to Jennicki and Abigail for encouraging me to try this for myself.

Second, the blame must go to Mr Birmingham, whose Blunt Instrument introduced me to the weird and wonderful world of blogging and the amazing, sometimes whacky characters who inhabit this strange universe.

As I may have stated elsewhere, I'm actually a somewhat boring person in real life, my name is not a description of my life (most of the time), merely wishful thinking. Thanks (or blame) also to Mr Havock, whose name inspired mine and convinced me that in a small corner of my life I could possibly be as funny, outrageous and courageous as some of you.

I have read and loved many of your blogs, and consequently my week and a half of annual leave to spring clean and recharge my batteries after a series of minor but persistant illnesses, has been not wasted exactly, (though the house still looks like the aftermath of a zombie invasion), but not quite as productive as I had hoped and planned.

So me....

The single mother of an 18 year old son, affectionately known as the brat, I'm pretty sure I've done a reasonable job with him. He is gainfully employed (an apprentice chef), and has only been arrested once (at schoolies - I am assured that it doesn't count). I am close to my family and actually get along with most of my siblings most of the time.

I have worked in various branches of the financial services industry, banking , insurance and now financial planning, and am about to embark on a study program to obtain qualifications in this area. I find it deliciously ironic that one can work in finances without actually having any to speak of.

My lover is my childhood sweetheart! Unfortunately my childhood was mainly spent thousands of kilometers from where I now live, and he is still there. One day, when our respective children are just a little bit older and more independant, we will live in the same state. Probably Victoria. In the meantime, I will quit smoking in order to have some play money, so I can fly down there occasionally to ummmm..... play. Watch this space!

The purpose of this blog is for me to be able to be funny, outrageous, outraged, cranky, sad, happy or whatever I bloody feel like at the time, with relative anonymity. (Especially from the relatives!) In coming weeks as I attempt for the squillionth time to quit smoking, there is likely to be very little funny or happy, and plenty of cranky and sad. Hopefully my ravings (and they will be ravings), will be a therapeutic tool on my way to a healthier, wealthier lifestyle.

So, that's about it.... Welcome, and I would love you to stick around, or just pop your head in occasionally, deliver a swift kick if I'm being particularly painful, or help me celebrate my triumphs.