About Me

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Single Mum of teenage chef, affectionately known as The Brat. Have started a new life at the tender age of 44, embarking on a relationship with my childhood sweetheart... I know cliche central, but so far it works for us! New job, new friends, new challenges. Life's GOOD!

Friday, November 13, 2009

I hate my life

One of the reasons I started this blog was to be able to vent, and somehow reduce the stress in my life by having someone, or maybe even no-one, to anonymously lay my soul bare to.

So far I don't think it's working. My life is a mess, and I don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have already mentioned that I'm a single Mum, have been since my child's Father said "abort or hit the road". I hit the road. I adore my son, and for nearly 19 years he has been my life. I don't have a problem with that. But now that he's 18, and settled into his apprenticeship, and becoming more independant almost daily, I'm ready to live my own life. Only it's not happening, and I'm unbelievably stressed. I'm broke, I've been 3/4 supporting my bi-polar brother for several years, my boss won't give me a payrise because I'm making mistakes, mostly little ones, but some really big ones as well, I'm in love with a man who lives a long way away, and I don't know who to talk to.

I don't think that what I want is unreasonable. A decent income, someone to hold me when I need it, a job I enjoy, and a healthy child. I want to be able to pay all of the bills on time, without having to work out which one I need to pay first in order to avoid disconnection, (phone, internet, electricity). I want the ability to just do something for me, to book a plane ticket, to get away for a weekend, to even buy myself some pretty underwear without feeling guilty. I want to not be living with my brother for the rest of my life, he exhausts me. I want to quit smoking. I want to have a little bit of fun.

I know that there are others so much less fortunate than me. Know what? I don't care! That doesn't help, just adds the stress of knowing I am unbelievably selfish and ungrateful. And I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate a lot of things about myself and my life, and I hate that I feel all this hate. And I don't know what to do.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Is there any way you can get your brother to be more independent?

  3. Hi Maenad,

    Sadly it's difficult to get anyone with bipolar disorder to do anything they don't want to do. My brother is adept at using his condition as a weapon. When I announced earlier this year that I planned to move out of our shared housing situation my MOTHER said to me that I can't do that as he would have nowhere to go, and she won't have him back in HER home. What the hell do you do with that?????? I told him to put his name down for housing commission accommodation and 10 months later he still hasn't. He tells me that he will have to just live in his car! Mum says he will be living on the streets. Why the fuck is that my problem? and why haven't I got the guts to just walk away?

  4. Hi Medway,

    Sorry you decided to remove your comment before I had a chance to read it.

    I welcome any and all advice, even if it's to tell me to pull my head in, or grow a pair, or stop being a selfish bitch. (Doesn't necessarily mean I will take it)!

  5. Hi Mayhem,
    It sounds to me like you're just out of practice at not being responsible for somebody. Don't worry, you'll get used to it and he will too. It will probably be good for him to become more independent. He's just scared of the change and doubting himself.

    I have a friend whose brother is schitzophrenic and has spent many years in and out of a mental institution. He really does need to live with either his mother or his sister. There's no way he could even contemplate organising public housing. Schitzophrenics are notorious for ending up homeless and resisting attempts to get them back into housing.

    Of course I don't know your brother but I've known a lot of bipolar people and most of them have been able to keep a roof over their heads. The two who couldn't have had other serious problems as well such as a personality disorder. What I have noticed with bipolars is that they bounce back. They might get themselves into trouble a lot but they survive. Unless he's got additional problems, or he's been misdiagnosed, he's probably going to be OK.

  6. You are absolutely right Maenad, I have no doubt he will survive. It's more that he doesn't want to. He's quite happy to have me there to manipulate, and to support him financially. As soon as I am in a position (financially mainly) to say that's it I'm outta here, he will work out that I'm no longer prepared to be his little whipping boy, and he'll get his act together, at least for a time.

    Unfortunately, it's a vicious circle. The bills are all in my name, because he moved in after one of my sisters moved out. He uses the utilities, phone, gas, electricity etc., but doesn't contribute to the bills. I try to get money out of him and he just hasn't got it. This means that money I earn, which I should be using to live my life, instead goes on keeping him.

    My Mother refuses to believe that it's as bad as it is, even while she pays his car rego and insurance for him.


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