One of the reasons I started this blog was to be able to vent, and somehow reduce the stress in my life by having someone, or maybe even no-one, to anonymously lay my soul bare to.
So far I don't think it's working. My life is a mess, and I don't know where to turn or what to do.
I have already mentioned that I'm a single Mum, have been since my child's Father said "abort or hit the road". I hit the road. I adore my son, and for nearly 19 years he has been my life. I don't have a problem with that. But now that he's 18, and settled into his apprenticeship, and becoming more independant almost daily, I'm ready to live my own life. Only it's not happening, and I'm unbelievably stressed. I'm broke, I've been 3/4 supporting my bi-polar brother for several years, my boss won't give me a payrise because I'm making mistakes, mostly little ones, but some really big ones as well, I'm in love with a man who lives a long way away, and I don't know who to talk to.
I don't think that what I want is unreasonable. A decent income, someone to hold me when I need it, a job I enjoy, and a healthy child. I want to be able to pay all of the bills on time, without having to work out which one I need to pay first in order to avoid disconnection, (phone, internet, electricity). I want the ability to just do something for me, to book a plane ticket, to get away for a weekend, to even buy myself some pretty underwear without feeling guilty. I want to not be living with my brother for the rest of my life, he exhausts me. I want to quit smoking. I want to have a little bit of fun.
I know that there are others so much less fortunate than me. Know what? I don't care! That doesn't help, just adds the stress of knowing I am unbelievably selfish and ungrateful. And I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate a lot of things about myself and my life, and I hate that I feel all this hate. And I don't know what to do.