About Me

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Single Mum of teenage chef, affectionately known as The Brat. Have started a new life at the tender age of 44, embarking on a relationship with my childhood sweetheart... I know cliche central, but so far it works for us! New job, new friends, new challenges. Life's GOOD!

Monday, August 13, 2012

My Debut Novel

Settle down folks. Put away your credit cards and piggy banks.... it's not written yet! But it could be.... SOONish.

Okay I'll explain. Remember my last post, with the insane idea that I could quit smoking purely with the aid of willpower, bubble wrap and a few cut veggies???? YEAH RIGHT!!!!

Well anyhoo, The honourable Dirk Flinthart offered to ghost-write my bestselling How To  book, and we would make squillions. Hmmmm sorry Dirk my friend.... ain't gunna happen. BUT!

Now that I've accepted that I was born without willpower, I'm travelling another route. Thass right... DRUGZ!!!! Now anyone who's used this particular Quit Smoking Drug (Havock) will know what I mean when I say OHMIGOD THE DREAMZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Crazy, weird, mixed up dreams. I wake up exhausted. This morning I actually remembered some of those dreams, and I'm sure I read somewhere that many an author has received inspiration during their slumbery travails.* So Imma gonna bore you all silly with (daily?) recollections of my nocturnal adventures. (I hate people who try to tell me about their dreams, but suck it up princesses). Hopefully, this whole mess will someday magically morph into a novel. Are you in Dirk? So settle back and read the tale of the hour between my alarm going off this morning, and me finally staggering out of bed...

In one hour.... I rescued my neice from a humungous mud puddle in the back yard (No idea whose backyard), seriously, that mother came up to my thighs. Now I'm not tall, but my 6 year old neice is the approximate height of your average 3 year old.  YAY AUNTY MAYHEM!!!

I followed up my heroic feat, by promptly losing said neice to a pair of of officious, yet stylishly uniformed female security guards. At the time I was arguing with a ticketing agent at the airport. In all I argued with 3 ticketing agents and a gaggle of skimpily dressed teens who tried to queue jump. NOT HAPPY!!! Still don't know where my neice ended up.

At some point uber author JB entered the fray. By this time I was back at (someone's) home. There was a contretemps involving JB, my older sister and some lollies and possibly patty cakes. There was an unpleasant incident involving water... lots of water... all over me, courtesy of my brother. Then towels. I had heaps of clean fluffy towels with which to dry myself off. Then I had a bath.

Now remember, all of the above happened in an hour. (And I have mercifully condensed the various scenarios, in the hopes that you'll come back). Prior to that, my recollections are pretty hazy. I'm certain that I was visited by a number of Burgers, including (but not limited to) our own Big Bad Al. My Mum made an appearance as well, and my younger sister.

What do you think? Is there a novel in this mess? Maybe we'll have a better idea after a few (dozen) more installments :)

*Requires confirmation


  1. Famous at last... or am I stalking people in their dreams.

    Big Bad Al

  2. Where are the erotic fantasy bits? You promised!

    1. Sorry Mel,

      I nearly had an erotic fantasy bit the other night, then J woke me up.

  3. Why not make it a fiction novel based on "real events?"

    1. Paul,

      Because I can't think of anyone (including myself) who would want to read a "fictional account" of a 45+ single Mum, with a kid who's gone off the rails. Who's had breast cancer, and is living with depression, and anxiety, and wondering if any of it has been worth the effort.

    2. OUCH!!! Paul, apolz for the above VERY snarky comment. I was having a very strange/weird/horrible day.

    3. Mr Barnes, as usual, has the right of it :)

  4. Mayhem,
    I too am battling the firesticks.
    My suggestion(I would never do it myself) is eat a whole Eureka lemon before lighting up. It's gotta work. Let me know how you go.
    I too am writing my first novel. How weird is that ?
    Dino not to be confused with.

    1. Still working on it Dino! Solidarity! And as I have no idea what a Eureka lemon is... think I'll pass. One of my friends used to carry around a tube of toothpaste when she was quitting. Apparently, when she got the craving, she rubbed toothpaste over her teeth and gums, then she wouldn't light up, because nobody lights a smoke when they've just cleaned their teeth! It worked for her...

    2. Mayhem,
      I am flabbergasted.
      Do not write an Aussie novel !
      A Eureka lemon is an Australian Lemon !!!
      Where you from ?
      Ecuador ?
      Good luck with the book.
      I'll race ya !
      Dino not to be confused with.

  5. Do it, Mayhem! Write that book! I'd read it. Except, possibly, the chapter where JB contretemps your sister with a patty cake. Ewwwwww! I'd also read your life story - those kinds of books are usually labelled 'inspirational', and there are very few people I know who are as inspirational as you.

    It's funny that you are considering writing a book based on your dreams from that particular drug. I'm trying to find time to write a book about the Boss's dreams from when he was taking it. Bees are involved. It should be good, if I can find a depraved enough illustrator.

    Now - stop reading my inane ramblings, and get your muse on!

  6. Hey Mayhem, ?
    I gots me 12000 words
    How you goin?
    Yep 12000

    Dino not to be confused with

  7. Chiokybabe,
    I am happpy for ya I am.
    Shoulda been me.
    All the best and buy an Australian Lemon Tree.


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