It's not all about YOU!

Yes, I am pissed off that he didn't talk to me about what's going on, and I let him know it.


I'm pissed off that he DID tell his sister some of what he's feeling, which she duly passed on to me, which he knew she would. Apparently, despite initiating a discussion about which of us is going to move so we can be together, (last time I was in Melbourne), when the subject came up in conversation again once I was home, he freaked out. "She's talking about moving down here" he wailed to his sister. Sounds like cold feet to me.


Look, I have known this guy most of my life, and have had strong feelings for him since day 1. There have been times when he has treated me not terribly well, and I have basically just walked away. This time is different somehow. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, and lonely, but I think that there is obviously SOMETHING (an evil sprite perhaps) that keeps pulling us together time after time.


My decision to move back to Melbourne is definitely in a large part because of him. BUT it's not ALL about him. (As his sister told him none too gently). I lived in Melbourne throughout my adolescence. I moved to Brisbane with my family when I was 21, and hated it, so moved back. Once I fell pregnant with The Brat, I came home for family support, but as a single Mum, who has seen first hand the traps that many single Mums fall into, I pretty much put The Brat ahead of everything else for 18 years, including my own interests and friendships. I concentrated on working, studying and trying to be the best Mum I could be, so that my son didn't end up a statistic (you know the one.... in trouble with the Police, well he's from a sole parent family, what do you expect). I have a couple of very good friends, but my social circle has mainly consisted of Basketball parents. Now that The Brat rarely plays (due to work) or if he does play, parents are now no longer necessary, (for transport, support etc.), my social life (if you could ever have called it that), is much diminished.


In Melbourne, I have 2 of my sisters, one sister-in-law, and a niece and nephew. I also have a large group of school and work friends. Now yes, we have all moved on with our lives, there are partners and kids and careers, so it's not like I expect that I can just slot back in to the same sort of social scene we had as kids. BUT, it seems there is more chance of me having some sort of life down there than here. I will miss The Brat enormously, but let's face it, he wants and needs to cut the apron strings. As he should! I love my parents, but the idea that my social life revolves around them scares the hell out of me. I DO worry, that Mum will have some difficulty when I leave, because of Dad's multiple health problems, but as I pointed out to one of my sisters, I shouldn't have to be responsible for them, not entirely and certainly not alone. My parents had 5 children, one has just informed the family by mail, that she is changing her name by deed poll, changing her contact details, and appointing an intermediary in case we need to contact her. My brother is bipolar. He is very supportive, if Dad's in hospital he cooks for Mum, looks after the house and dog while they are away, and has taken over virtually all of the house and yard maintenance (which, by the way they pay him for). Unfortunately his illness can and does cause problems. My other 2 sisters as you know are in Melbourne, and removed from the daily drama that has always been a part of our family life. That's the way they like it. That leaves me! I've just spent the last nearly 20 years being responsible for someone else, I'm not prepared to spend the next 20 being responsible for my parents and brother (as his illness will inevitably require). If my sisters are worried, then they should move back here and share the load. If that's selfish, so be it.

I am also unhappy in my job. When I started here it was awesome. I was learning new things, had the opportunity to study, and got along very well with my boss and his wife. Earlier this year that changed. I made a few mistakes, which I owned and learned from. I had been six months in the job, and was expected to be perfect. The boss has been 25 years in this industry and stuffs up, but I'm not allowed to. That annoys me more than a little. Sure, if something major goes wrong, it's his licence and business on the line, but if that happens it's just as likely to be his screw up as mine. Apart from that I just can't handle spending so much time alone. I am looking for another job. Financially it's likely that I will need to wait until later in the year to move, but I don't want to miss the perfect opportunity because it comes up a couple of months before I anticipate the move. If it happens sooner than planned, then I will cope. I usually do.

So, the above ramblings are some of the reasons I want to move back to Melbourne. I am not kidding myself, I know that the largest part of this is to do with my man. However, I don't plan to move down there and move in with him, or take over his life, or be joined at the hip with him 24/7. I DO want to find out if we have a chance at a proper relationship. I'm NOT going to be his booty call for the next 25 years. I don't think we can have any sort of relationship when we are so far apart. So I will go to Melbourne again in March, and we will have a discussion (unless he makes it up here before then, which he says he is trying to do). I can't do this over the phone. I think we need to sit down and have a proper discussion. I have asked his sisters not to get too involved in this. They are both reeaaallly pissed off with him over the Christmas fiasco, and both of us have talked to them about what's going on, but we need to do this ourselves, not via his sisters, (even though they are both on my side and will certainly slap him upside the head if I give them the word).

The main thing is I suppose, that I need to be happy. I deserve to have a life that is my own. I don't want to be lonely and bitter and twisted, and blame everybody else in my life for the fact that I'm unhappy. It won't be my son's fault, or my sisters' or my parents, or even this man's. My happiness and fulfilment are MY responsibility, and I will TAKE responsibility. If I don't do what I think will make me happy, then I don't deserve to be happy.

So yes gentle reader, the discussions will happen. If they don't go the way I would like, well that's just another area of my life I will need to spring clean. If he runs a mile in the opposite direction, well, that won't stop me moving to Melbourne. It's where I want to be, and where I think I can be happy, with or without him.