About Me

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Single Mum of teenage chef, affectionately known as The Brat. Have started a new life at the tender age of 44, embarking on a relationship with my childhood sweetheart... I know cliche central, but so far it works for us! New job, new friends, new challenges. Life's GOOD!

Friday, January 8, 2010

It's not all about YOU!

Yes, I am pissed off that he didn't talk to me about what's going on, and I let him know it.


I'm pissed off that he DID tell his sister some of what he's feeling, which she duly passed on to me, which he knew she would. Apparently, despite initiating a discussion about which of us is going to move so we can be together, (last time I was in Melbourne), when the subject came up in conversation again once I was home, he freaked out. "She's talking about moving down here" he wailed to his sister. Sounds like cold feet to me.


Look, I have known this guy most of my life, and have had strong feelings for him since day 1. There have been times when he has treated me not terribly well, and I have basically just walked away. This time is different somehow. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, and lonely, but I think that there is obviously SOMETHING (an evil sprite perhaps) that keeps pulling us together time after time.


My decision to move back to Melbourne is definitely in a large part because of him. BUT it's not ALL about him. (As his sister told him none too gently). I lived in Melbourne throughout my adolescence. I moved to Brisbane with my family when I was 21, and hated it, so moved back. Once I fell pregnant with The Brat, I came home for family support, but as a single Mum, who has seen first hand the traps that many single Mums fall into, I pretty much put The Brat ahead of everything else for 18 years, including my own interests and friendships. I concentrated on working, studying and trying to be the best Mum I could be, so that my son didn't end up a statistic (you know the one.... in trouble with the Police, well he's from a sole parent family, what do you expect). I have a couple of very good friends, but my social circle has mainly consisted of Basketball parents. Now that The Brat rarely plays (due to work) or if he does play, parents are now no longer necessary, (for transport, support etc.), my social life (if you could ever have called it that), is much diminished.


In Melbourne, I have 2 of my sisters, one sister-in-law, and a niece and nephew. I also have a large group of school and work friends. Now yes, we have all moved on with our lives, there are partners and kids and careers, so it's not like I expect that I can just slot back in to the same sort of social scene we had as kids. BUT, it seems there is more chance of me having some sort of life down there than here. I will miss The Brat enormously, but let's face it, he wants and needs to cut the apron strings. As he should! I love my parents, but the idea that my social life revolves around them scares the hell out of me. I DO worry, that Mum will have some difficulty when I leave, because of Dad's multiple health problems, but as I pointed out to one of my sisters, I shouldn't have to be responsible for them, not entirely and certainly not alone. My parents had 5 children, one has just informed the family by mail, that she is changing her name by deed poll, changing her contact details, and appointing an intermediary in case we need to contact her. My brother is bipolar. He is very supportive, if Dad's in hospital he cooks for Mum, looks after the house and dog while they are away, and has taken over virtually all of the house and yard maintenance (which, by the way they pay him for). Unfortunately his illness can and does cause problems. My other 2 sisters as you know are in Melbourne, and removed from the daily drama that has always been a part of our family life. That's the way they like it. That leaves me! I've just spent the last nearly 20 years being responsible for someone else, I'm not prepared to spend the next 20 being responsible for my parents and brother (as his illness will inevitably require). If my sisters are worried, then they should move back here and share the load. If that's selfish, so be it.

I am also unhappy in my job. When I started here it was awesome. I was learning new things, had the opportunity to study, and got along very well with my boss and his wife. Earlier this year that changed. I made a few mistakes, which I owned and learned from. I had been six months in the job, and was expected to be perfect. The boss has been 25 years in this industry and stuffs up, but I'm not allowed to. That annoys me more than a little. Sure, if something major goes wrong, it's his licence and business on the line, but if that happens it's just as likely to be his screw up as mine. Apart from that I just can't handle spending so much time alone. I am looking for another job. Financially it's likely that I will need to wait until later in the year to move, but I don't want to miss the perfect opportunity because it comes up a couple of months before I anticipate the move. If it happens sooner than planned, then I will cope. I usually do.

So, the above ramblings are some of the reasons I want to move back to Melbourne. I am not kidding myself, I know that the largest part of this is to do with my man. However, I don't plan to move down there and move in with him, or take over his life, or be joined at the hip with him 24/7. I DO want to find out if we have a chance at a proper relationship. I'm NOT going to be his booty call for the next 25 years. I don't think we can have any sort of relationship when we are so far apart. So I will go to Melbourne again in March, and we will have a discussion (unless he makes it up here before then, which he says he is trying to do). I can't do this over the phone. I think we need to sit down and have a proper discussion. I have asked his sisters not to get too involved in this. They are both reeaaallly pissed off with him over the Christmas fiasco, and both of us have talked to them about what's going on, but we need to do this ourselves, not via his sisters, (even though they are both on my side and will certainly slap him upside the head if I give them the word).

The main thing is I suppose, that I need to be happy. I deserve to have a life that is my own. I don't want to be lonely and bitter and twisted, and blame everybody else in my life for the fact that I'm unhappy. It won't be my son's fault, or my sisters' or my parents, or even this man's. My happiness and fulfilment are MY responsibility, and I will TAKE responsibility. If I don't do what I think will make me happy, then I don't deserve to be happy.

So yes gentle reader, the discussions will happen. If they don't go the way I would like, well that's just another area of my life I will need to spring clean. If he runs a mile in the opposite direction, well, that won't stop me moving to Melbourne. It's where I want to be, and where I think I can be happy, with or without him.

33 comments:

  1. Hey, Mayhem. Sounds like quite a plateful spread out all over a large country.

    If Melby is where your friends are, where you feel comfortable, then maybe it's where you need to be. I just bet there's more than one man in the whole of Victoria if this one doesn't fit you.

    Yeah, it's tough to be the 'point' person with aging/ailing parents. I've gone through a bit of that myself. It wears.

    Good luck, troop. You seem like an OK sort, and it looks like you've put a fair amount of thought into this.

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  2. Good plan.
    And good for you slicing the apron strings. I have nephews and nieces aged between 18 - 28 and it really is a phase of their life where they are pretty much absorbed in their own social group and they are busy nutting out their place in the world.

    They blow in from time to time to tell me about their adventures, sleep, eat, and spend 8 hour sessions checking facebook and youtube but really, that's it.

    A friend of mine said that its very common for empty nesters to renew contacts with old school friends that they haven't seen for twenty years, once the kids ship out.

    I went to my mother's 50th school reunion in her place (she died when I was 6 so I never got to know her as an adult) and I discovered that a lot of the women at her school had reconnected after their kids left home and had re-established their friendships and in some instances formed new ones.

    I found an old classmate from boarding school at the Queensland Writers centre a few years ago and while we didn't have a lot in common as adolescents aside from the cage we shared and the usual grumbles about our class pressures, when we reconnected we discovered that the path she'd traveled for the intervening decades had worked to give us a helluva lot in common.

    I give the Big Tick of approval to plans to relocate, find a better life, and shift some responsibility off your own shoulders. I know what its like to have a family that's disrupted by one member's mental illness and sometimes you just have to say 'Its my turn to take care of me.'

    They'll find other ways to fill the gap.

    Tick, with gold star, to the plan.

    Quokka

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  3. Thanks YD.

    Thinking so much my brain feels like it's gonna explode. Helps to dribble some of it out here, to make room in my head.:)

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  4. Thanks Quokka,

    Now to set the plan in motion...... I'm a notorious procrastinator. :(

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  5. Bottom line in anything, do what your gut instinct tells you to do.
    How many times have we ignored our gut instint only to find out later that it really was telling us the right thing to do.
    A few years and a breakdown ago, I left my children in the care of their father, and moved to Melbourne. Whilst I missed the kids dreadfully, I needed time away from all that was happening to find out who I really was.
    I stayed almost 3 years, and moved back because of a promise I made my kids.
    There is a part of me that regrets the move back.
    There is part of me that thinks 'thank god I did it'

    Whether you move is up to you, whether you and F.S work out is up to you both.
    Whatever the future brings, grab with both hands, happiness, heartbreak, good times or bad.
    Its the only life you will ever have.
    Use it.

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  6. Best of luck!

    You've done your time putting someone else first 36/8 (I'm a sole parent, too, I know it goes beyond 24/7).

    From what I hear about the cultural and social activities in Melbourne, you'll have plenty to do, with or without FS. Anyway, they don't burn your QLD passport at the border. I believe there are plenty of planes that can fly you back North at your convenience if things don't work out down there.

    Enjoy!

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  7. Thanks Redhead,

    Have been feeling somewhat unwell since my return (and having ruled out pregnancy, Thank God!), I really think my pains and other symptoms are stress related. I went through an entire year some time back, where I was in and out of hospital, four surgeries and every test known to man (and then some), and even though there were physical reasons for my problems, I truly believe that stress contributed. When speaking to my Dr last night, I described my current symptoms as a very watered down version of 2005. He is almost as terrified as I am of a repeat of that ghastly year.

    I don't feel as though I am on the verge of depression, I have been further down that road before, but certainly stress can exaggerate physical symptoms such as pain and nausea, and even though I have not been totally pain free for the last 5 years, I think it's worse at the moment because of my mental state.

    Perhaps if I didn't have this outlet, things would be a lot worse for me, but I am keen to do more than blogging to reduce the stress and consequent pain in my life.

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  8. Thanks MM,

    You are SO right.... about all of it! :)

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  9. Good gracious, Mayhem! You know what I think?

    March is 7 weeks away.

    Unless you're planning on giving up relocating for Lent, I think you should get up from the computer RIGHT NOW, go and get a suitcase, ring the airport, kiss the brat goodbye, and just go.

    You can ring your boss from Melbourne. You can ring your mum from Melbourne. You won't have to ring anyone else, because with all the horrified gossip it will ALL be about you.

    Once you're here, find somewhere to nest asap. Then call Interstate Taxi Trucks, and arrange for them to go to your Brissie place. They'll pack everything for you and send it down on a train, for less than any other company (tell them you were referred by a repeat customer - that'd be me - and they'll give you a discount.) They'll even unpack the container at the other end for you.

    By then you'll have found a job. So with a nest and an income, you can deal with the important stuff - Settling your spirit. Fireman Sam can wait. Mayhem needs a little nurturing from Mayhem!

    Be Nike, Mayhem. Just do it.

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  10. God Catty, you make it sound so easy....... but unfortunately I live in the real world.

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  11. Ah. Finally something we don't have in common.

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  12. But that said, I decided to move to Melbourne as I went to bed one Thursday night. I was living here by Saturday. 36 hours. And I had little children with me.
    Never ever ever for one second did I regret it.

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  13. Yoga can fix. (Refer to my many taunts on the subject to JB).
    I get this shitty stuff too, my osteopath says its partly stress and partly hormonal. I've been having acupuncture for it and it works a treat.

    Quokka

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  14. Catty, I tried to post earlier, but for some reason my own blog kicked me out. My last reponse to you was abrupt and rude. I'm sorry, but I had just had a disturbing phone call. Believe me, all I want to do is get on a plane right now, and never look back. I wish it WAS that easy, and maybe we're just different people, but for me it's not.


    Quokka, one of our clients, who is actually a client because of his friendship with my boss, does acupuncture and other alternate therapies. I am planning to go see him as soon as I can. I need to avoid a repeat of 2005, and call me crazy, but I can't get my head around the idea of a hysterectomy, especially when no Dr has yet been able to explain why or how removing essentailly healthy organs will solve my problems.

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  15. I'm sorry if I sounded flippant before, Mayhem.
    It's true I try to avoid the real world as much as possible. It's not a nice place to be most of the time. I think that's why I like blogging so much.

    Obviously everybody has different motivators and obstacles, and it wasn't my intention to imply yours weren't valid. It was merely a clumsy attempt at motivational support. Sorry about that. I owe you a concilatory chocolate.

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  16. No worries Catty,

    Like I said, I'd love to be able to just pick up and go..... when you live from payday to payday, it usually doesn't work that way. My last couple of trips south have already given the budget a big hit, which is why I'm looking to February / March for the next foray.

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  18. Your lover mistreats you and you are a carpet he walks on. He gives you just enough to keep him available when he wants you which doesn't appear to be often.

    You've altered your life to accommodate him and he has barely responded. These are not good signs. What you describe is a kind of abuse that loneliness doesn't excuse or justify.

    The moment you end it is the moment you open up the possibility that you will find someone else who treats you better. But the weird imaginary world you live in doesn't have room for a better, more attentive, more loving man even if one came along.

    You are a middle aged woman who doesn't want to be alone but is that a reason to give up your dignity? Your choices are few and your path is clear. The only real question is whether you have the courage to do what you need to and walk that path.

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  19. Wow, Anonymous. Big call. Are you so familiar with Mayhem and FS that you feel free to make those judgements?

    Love is - regrettably, but there you have it - not a rational thing that you can channel in logical directions with enough intellectual will.

    I'm pretty sure I'm right on that, hundreds if not thousands of years of art,literature and music back me up.

    Mayhem, don't let anonymous get you down, lovely. Women follow their hearts. It can be a weakness, but I prefer to think of it as one of our greatest strengths.

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  20. Morgana,

    Anonymous has a point. From an outsider's perspective it looks EXACTLY as he/she says. However, as you pointed out, he/she doesn't know me, or Sam. Some of my friends I'm sure, hold similar views. Those who DO know me, but not Sam. Those who know both of us well aren't of the same opinion.

    Anonymous,

    I'm not sure how many of my posts you have read, but certainly you're entitled to your opinion, and I don't have a problem with you expressing it, particularly as you have done so forthrightly but without overt nastiness. Sometimes it's refreshing to have another viewpoint, and I'm not so blinded by love or narrow-minded that I can't see where you're coming from.

    Also, you are not privy to most recent developments, as I'm not sure whether I'm quite ready to post them yet. Some of those developments would appear to support your position, others would not.

    Regardless, as I pointed out in this particular post, I am going to move to Melbourne later this year because that's where I grew up and it's where I consider my home is, and there is so much more for me there than just this potential relationship (including, as yankeedog pointed out, plenty more men).

    :)

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  21. Congratulations, I see you've had a visit from the Relationship Troll.
    Quokka

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  22. Quokka,

    Trolls can make sense? Not that I agree with everything this one has said, but it's a valid viewpoint for an outside perspective. Mind you, a bit more research should have shown that I'm not ACTUALLY an idiot, even if I sometimes behave like one.

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  23. BTW Quoks, if you select Name/URL in Choose an Identity you can just put you naemin, URL is optional. Means you won't be anonymous.

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  24. Righteo. Sounds good. Lets see if this works.

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  25. Hey, it did work. And it worked over at Doc Yobbo's site too. Thanks!

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  26. OK.
    A moment of liberty to comment on your troll.

    I think if someone has an opinion, its reasonable to expect that they'll put their name to it.

    If they aren't willing to stand by their words, then this is just another fart in cyberspace.

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  27. Quokka, you're absolutely right, and I thought the same after I had already posted my reply to "anonymous". It's only polite right?

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  28. PNB: Never too late. I check back frequently. Be grateful for your insight, or you could just flirt with me a little more. Your call.

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  29. Without committing to any course of action I believe I can manage to do both.

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  30. PNB: Story of my FKN life, none of my men will commit.........

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  31. From Abigail-
    Quokka- Mayhem siad it would be alright if I left my email address here-it's

    samadhi_blue@yahoo.com.au

    Thanks very much Mayhem,

    I feel so ungracious not having properly acknowledged your very serious topic here, M. I will read it more than a scan, later, when more time.

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Faff is acceptable.