To Melbourne for a dirty weekend!

What you want more than than that? Forget it, see you next week.

Getting There

First: A big thank you and welcome to those who are reading, and for the comments.

Pleased to report that progress on the resolution front has been made.

The boss has given me a payrise!!!!!! Yay!!!!!! Not heaps, but more than I expected (I didn't put a figure on the request), and certainly a step in the right direction.

I have said NO, at least once this week, though from memory I ended up caving anyway. I have however, warned The Brat that NO is a word he should expect to hear more frequently.

Number 4 is on hold this week, as my underwear budget was instead spent on a new printer, which I can't get working, and 2 new fans, one of which doesn't work. Excellent, I hate shopping, and now I have to head back to the shops to a) get some tech support for my printer - I know what's wrong with it, I just can't fix it, maybe The Brat can help when he gets home in about half an hour - and b) to return the not working fan.

Number 5, what can I say. I had hoped to head to Melbourne next weekend for my man's birthday, unfortunately in the continued absence of a lotto win, the budget just couldn't stretch that far. Maybe if I hadn't bought new underwear over the last month or so, I mean it's not like I'll need it in Melbourne anyway right????? On the plus side Christmas is getting closer by the minute (Dear God did I just say plus side and Christmas in the same sentence?), and the Lover will be here for a week or so immediately following.

Number 6 - I actually used that argument in my request for a payrise. There are 2 of us in our little workplace, and both of us make mistakes, the difference being I can't issue consequences for his mistakes, while he can for mine. Unfortunately my mistakes tend to cause more consequences for the business, because I usually find his and fix them before any damage can be done. I pointed that out as well. Gently! Not sure why it worked, but I was quite proud of my achiement, as I have never held a job where some sort of annual remuneration increase was not automatic, even if it's just CPI.

Anywho, a little more positive this week, and determined to keep at it. The smokes are still my constant companion, I've stopped stressing about that, as it really doesn't help. I WILL get there, sooner rather than later I believe, and I am not beating myself up over this setback as I refuse to consider it a failure.

Working on it!

So, after my little self-pity party last week, I have decided that it wasn't actually helpful. I'm the only one who can sort this crap out and to that end I have (for the 1st time ever) made a couple of (early) new years resolutions.

1. I will try to maintain my sense of humour. It can be a little bit weird, but deal with it!

2. I will increase my income, so that I can do a few things just for me. (I have approached the boss for a payrise already, if he doesn't come through I will start applying for new jobs).

3. I will learn to say no, even to my son, and especially my brother.

4. I will buy more pretty undies.

5. I will have more sex (See 2 and 4 above)

6. I will stop expecting perfection from myself, realise and accept that we all make mistakes, without abrogating responsibility for those mistakes.

Any suggestions?

I hate my life

One of the reasons I started this blog was to be able to vent, and somehow reduce the stress in my life by having someone, or maybe even no-one, to anonymously lay my soul bare to.

So far I don't think it's working. My life is a mess, and I don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have already mentioned that I'm a single Mum, have been since my child's Father said "abort or hit the road". I hit the road. I adore my son, and for nearly 19 years he has been my life. I don't have a problem with that. But now that he's 18, and settled into his apprenticeship, and becoming more independant almost daily, I'm ready to live my own life. Only it's not happening, and I'm unbelievably stressed. I'm broke, I've been 3/4 supporting my bi-polar brother for several years, my boss won't give me a payrise because I'm making mistakes, mostly little ones, but some really big ones as well, I'm in love with a man who lives a long way away, and I don't know who to talk to.

I don't think that what I want is unreasonable. A decent income, someone to hold me when I need it, a job I enjoy, and a healthy child. I want to be able to pay all of the bills on time, without having to work out which one I need to pay first in order to avoid disconnection, (phone, internet, electricity). I want the ability to just do something for me, to book a plane ticket, to get away for a weekend, to even buy myself some pretty underwear without feeling guilty. I want to not be living with my brother for the rest of my life, he exhausts me. I want to quit smoking. I want to have a little bit of fun.

I know that there are others so much less fortunate than me. Know what? I don't care! That doesn't help, just adds the stress of knowing I am unbelievably selfish and ungrateful. And I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate a lot of things about myself and my life, and I hate that I feel all this hate. And I don't know what to do.

ABBA Lives......... and Cookie Dough Rocks!

Had a great weekend.

Started with The Brat taking me out for dinner...... okay, his motives were less than altruistic, he wanted a real meal, but couldn't be bothered cooking it on his one day off this week (from cooking - who could blame the poor kid), but he knows that the last thing Mummy wants to do on Friday night is come home from work and cook a meal, especially when the 2 males in the household (The Brat and his uncle) have been home all day. Okay don't blame The Brat for not wanting to cook on his day off, and The Uncle starts work at around 10 on Friday night and works through to the wee hours of the morning,.... but I personally don't think he actually NEEDS to stay in bed ALL day, especially given he only works Friday and Saturday nights! But I digress!

We went off to the local Yankee style steak and BBQ chain, where they still give you peanuts, (but now ask you to please refrain from chucking the shells on the floor), but have inexplicably done away with the impromptu staff line dancing. We chatted and laughed, with The Brat sheepishly admitting that because it was Friday and he HATES doing nothing on a Friday night, I was the best alternative to a night on the couch. Yes I may have come 4th on the list (after Drinking - his mates were all working; basketball - he couldn't get in touch with his mate to see if thay needed an extra player and what time; something else; then dinner with Mum), and it may have been a list containing only 4 options, but hey at least I made the list! Nanna and Pop didn't get a look in. Best of all? His shout!

Saturday started off pretty badly, woke at just after 8, to hear The Brat getting ready for work, and realised that, if not quite a migraine, had a stinker of a headache. Have several times in the past thought I could nip these nasties in the bud with copious amounts of pain relief washed down with buckets of strong black caffeine. It took me a while 'cos I'm a slow learner, but after a couple of these "just suck it up and get on with it" remedies went horribly wrong, resulting in total waste of painkillers and caffeine (sacrilege), I have learnt to down the necessary drugs with the smallest amount of water, and go back to bed until the pain subsides, with probably one more dose of the drugs to get me through.

Now I don't normally mind having a migraine on Saturday, I mean obviously I'd prefer not to have them at all, but at least I'm not missing out on paid work, and it gets me out of the housework quite nicely thank you very much! Of course the downside of that is that if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Damn those housework fairies! But yesterday was bad timing. I actually had plans for last night that didn't involve sitting in the recliner watching The Bill. A friend had purchased tickets to ABBA Rebjorn at the local RSL, and as she had already paid up, I felt obliged to go, and anyway I wanted to. YES I AM an ABBA fan! Anyway, sleep and drugs saw me somewhat alive at 3, and my belated morning coffee had me nearly human by 4, so decided that a quick shower and I'm ready to roll. And I was! And it was a great night! Not late, but a couple of hours in a room where only one other person knows you, and my lousy sense of rythm, and evil singing voice didn't matter. Sang at the top of my lungs, and danced like there was no tomorrow.

Today was set aside for work on the assignment. Thank you Mr JB for your succinct yet motivating post on Friday's Writing Blog. Reminded me that I now have 6 weeks work to do in about 3 and a half! Now I could have put it off again, and instead done the housework I didn't do yesterday, but if there's one thing I dislike more than wading through legislative documents full of jargon and gobbledygook (telling you basically in 73 pages or more, that you have to inform your clients of the whys and wherefores in easy to understand, plain language - digressing again), it's housework! And there's no deadline on the housework! No brainer really!

Except it made my brain hurt - not like yesterday, that physical, horrendous, I'm gunna throw up type pain is infinitely preferable.... and that's where the cookie dough comes in. A couple of weeks ago in a fit of madness, I chucked a couple of Aunty Kath's cookie dough rolls into the shopping basket. Madness, because we don't currently have a working oven! Nonetheless the cookie dough was not wasted. At the height of my pain I decided to go all "Gilmore Girls" and try some cookie dough to ease the brain conniptions. What a wonderful calmative, and you can still drive after imbibing. One of American womanhood's more attractive traditions I think, and one I shall henceforth embrace with fervour.

Throw in an interesting conversation with LDL, who is promising to surprise me sometime soon (I have informed him in no uncertain terms that if he calls me from the airport to tell me he has arrived in Brisvegas, I shall let him know that he should make himself comfortable until I have had time to clean the house, change the sheets, and de-fuzz the extremities), and that's it.

Plenty of rest, some singing and dancing (with only ONE alcoholic beverage) and the company of a good friend, an interesting conversation with the man, and some quality time with the occasionally delightful offspring. What more could a girl want? (Apart from Cookie Dough)!

Now me and my cookie dough are off to watch The Bill. Yes OF COURSE I recorded it. DUH!

Oh nearly forgot, started taking the chemical assistance required to aid in my QUIT campaign last weekend. So far so good, have almost halved my Nicotine intake without really trying or noticing. All I need to do now is allocate the actual QUIT day. Thinking it will be sometime this week. Another bloody deadline.